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You don't understand; why can't he be like the other crazy friends you've had...you know, not taking himself seriously and not really meaning any of what he says...maybe even just pouring out crazy crap to be funny and entertain you? It's because he is flawed, that's why. Somewhere along the line he was dropped on his head or somebody snapped his butt in the showers a few too many times in high school. Regardless of why...this friend just drives. you. crazy. The Fear is that friend. It is said that you only get one chance to make a first impression and The Fear started out on the wrong foot by showing up on my TV with what may be the worlds worst DVD menu of all time. There is no audio whatsoever, and zero in the way of animation. In fact, you are lucky to even know what movie you have just put in, as the title is discretely placed up in the corner for you. It appears that they were saving the rest of the screen space for the chapter selection images...that's right...they are on the opening screen. Also neglected was one other little feature...the "play" button, however there are two little arrows that appear to do something although I never really figured out which one was doing what. We try not to review things such as DVD menus and packaging, because let's face it, you didn't buy this disc for the menu...you bought it for the movie. But this menu started things off like walking past the dumpster on the way in to Taco Bell...you were psyched to get some eats...now you aren't. But all that aside, I still wanted to get into the nitty-gritty of this film, so once I settled on choosing chapter 1 to start the film, I was on my way. I had done it...I had asked my new friend to come over and spend some time in my living room...everything else could be considered my fault...I asked for it. First my friend, The Fear, started making me nervous. Like shaking his leg while sharing a sofa, the horrible titles were bouncing about the screen like Saddam must shake when he's hiding in a bunker. But hey, that's what the fast forward button is for, no? Ok, the rough stuff is behind me; things can only get better. We meet out main character, Richard, while in a psychiatric session with a guest starring Wes Craven as his shrink! See there we go! Looking better already. This guy Richard is looking to be a shrink too, and good 'ole Wes tells him that no one becomes a shrink unless they have their own crap to work through, or something along those lines. Thanks for the foreshadowing Wes! But uh oh, soon Wes is gone and only Richard remains. It seems this slightly effeminate mega-yuppie has some horror film starting idea brewing about taking a bunch of strangers out to a deserted cabin for a weekend session in the discoveries of inner fears. Whoa. Don't feed me the cliches so fast...I'm not so hungry after the opening menu messed with my appetite. But still, it does sound sort of appetizing. Enter the unfortunate strangers. We have an absurd "wigger" named Troy who is afraid of spiders. Next up is the former popular girl from college named Leslie, who is afraid of "getting old". Funny thing is, she already looks old, but there is something in here about Richard being her old flame and Troy is messing with her now, but Jack is her current beau...he is some weird motorcycle guy who thinks he is hard and is deathly afraid of poverty. The sad thing is...I don't think he is rich. Next is Ashley, Richard's current girlfriend, who is attending this session on fear because she is afraid of the campus rapists who is attacking girls. Crazy Ashley! Tanya is the resident slut...but she wasn't even invited. Luckily she brought a fear...water. She also brought Richard's Uncle Pete, who is a crazy bastard who runs the adjacent, but closed for the summer, Santa's Workshop kiddy land. He makes his appearance with a Santa suit on, which leads me to believe he may actually be the real Santa; never off the job that jolly old St. Nick. Mindy is the new age weirdo that believes in reincarnation and is afraid of heights...and she has some boyfriend named Gerald that never got developed enough for me to not like him too. So what is our man Richard afraid of? Some wood guy named Morty. Begin horror cliché number 302. Morty was purchased by Richard's grandfather to display clothes in the front window of his store. This is an ignorable enough fact except for the fact that an Indian shaman put a spell on the Mort-ster that would make people want to buy whatever he was wearing. But when the old guy retired he brought Morty to his house, as a "guardian". Of what? Apparently not important. This is where things get interesting. Apparently now, in an attempt to make Richard realize a past traumatic event, Morty can bring peoples worst fears alive and then kill them. Hmm. Sure, why not. Morty's powers range from being self-mobile, to faking peoples voices, to turning invisible (the only way to explain some of the generic scares. Regardless of how...or why; Morty starts killing everyone. Remember, Morty is a wooden doll. This would be the point where I would begin liking this film, only a strange thing happened. Somehow, this film was edited in such a way as to omit all the death scenes. Hmm. Maybe someone just made a mistake. Or maybe this is just a really badly edited and poorly made horror film. Ugg. The cuts are jumpy and often cut off the actors lines before they are finished. There is no such thing as pacing...this movie just wanders aimlessly as if trying to find where it is supposed to go. It never figures that out. So you get a horror film that doesn't make any sense, doesn't have a point, doesn't have any deaths in it, and is just plain boring. Yup, not much here to recommend unfortunately. But like that most annoying of friends, you just don't have to invite this one over. Tell it your busy watching something worth while. -aaron-
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