I have a theory...nay...a philosophy.  It isn't that I believe I will ever need to put this guideline to the test; in fact, I am sure I will not.  But just in case one of you out there is ever in a situation which shares similarities with my philosophy, I would like to know I did my part to prepare you.  So without further ado, here are my words of wisdom; I hope they strike a meaningful place within your heart and mind.

If you are ever offered a feature film starring role which was being written and developed with Dolph Lundgren in mind...you might want to think it through before accepting the role.

You see it isn't that you have to question whether or not Dolph Lundgren is a good actor...I think there is some universal agreement on that one.  It isn't that you have to think back over such classics as 1987's Master's Of The Universe or 1998's The Minion to remember instantly that they were wretched films the likes of which should never see the light of day again; in fact it has nothing to do at all with the Swedish martial arts champion and his "acting talents".  The real fear here is what kind of filmmaker would court Dolph Lundgren to begin with, and what must that script be like??

Well, in the case of It Waits the script would be something like this... 

In ancient times a Native American woman was lured away from her home by a group of bird spirits who wanted to take her to the land of...well, bird spirits.  With me so far?  This woman, upon arrival, mated with a demon (?) and spawned a lineage of half-human, half-demon creatures which preyed upon mankind.  Huh...well okay then.  One of these demons was sealed in a cave a thousand years ago because it cannot be killed.  This cave (you know the kind with rocks covering the entrance) is eventually blown open by a group of stereotypical archetype Native American student archeologists using that time honored and tried-and-trued tool of archeologists everywhere...dynamite.

Of course, this action releases the demon thingie which promptly kills everyone and is loosed upon the world to wreak havoc and destruction!  This particular demon killing machine seems to be a tad on the lazy side as it only preys upon those in the general vicinity of its cave, creating a few newsworthy stories of missing campers who have happened to wander into these here parts.  There may be something about a portal in the cave where the creature can move back and forth between our world and its own, but I got lost at this point cause of some talk about Jesus and Zeus and the fact that caves are our doorways into other realities.  Anyways...

Other than a few stray wilderness adventurers, the only person occupying this area is Danielle, a forest ranger living in a fire watchtower.  And talk about demons!!  This girl is hiding a few personal ones of her own!  As a matter of fact, the whole reason she has come out into the boonies and signed up for this gig and its lack of human contact is because she is trying desperately to come to terms with a tragedy in her recent past involving the death of her best friend which, through flashbacks, we come to learn that Danielle holds a secret about.  Combine to this mental anguish a blossoming love affair with her now dead best friend's man and you start to wonder what is more convoluted and twisted...the legend of the creature, the life of our heroine or this movie as a whole.

When It Waits was to be helmed by Dolph Lundgren, it was obviously to be a male lead driven, straight forward horror flick.  Dude in woods gets terrorized, dude fights demon, dude does some Tae Kwon Do on demon and belches a few one liners.  These sorts of films are a dime a dozen and are almost forgivable due to their sheer abundance and the lack of all expectations.  But when a completely over-rated writer such as (Richard) Christian Matheson (son of the BRILLIANT writer and novelist, Richard Matheson) gets a hold of the story and throws in some unnecessary back-story about a troubled woman, the demons of her past, the loss of loves new and old, and her will to not only survive, but to strive against all that holds her back and emerge a powerful personality who is not only healed but strengthened...well, what you get is three parts Hallmark Channel and two parts craptacular horror film.  All of this is made worse by several horribly “mushy” and god awful songs from a virtually unknown female artist who just so happens to be the WIFE of the director…hmm.

Our ranger Danielle is played by Cerina Vincent (not the first time she has been a ranger...she was the Yellow Ranger on “Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers”!! Woo!), to a level adequate for "made for TV", but utterly lacking for "feature film".  Her singular talents seem to be to stare at the floor or to look away from who she is talking to.  Apparently, these catch all actions can be used to emote pain, sadness, loss, confusion, frustration, fear, boredom and who knows how many other emotions…or maybe it is just that Cerina Vincent cannot act all that well.  I didn’t think she was too awful in Cabin Fever as the vacuum headed sex symbol...so maybe it’s just the role.

Either way, this forest ranger’s solitude and period of self-reflection is interrupted when she and those who come to visit her are besieged by our demon.  Of course through a few simplistic means, the demon has her cut off from any escape and the hopes of any rescue coming for her are dashed.  Her only ally is a mysterious man whom she meets while tracking the demon back to its lair…a man who knows a thing or two about this creature and why it is here.

Eric Schweig takes a break from television and voice-over work to make an appearance as a college professor, open mind and self-proclaimed purveyor of all things mystical or otherworldly…with, apparently, an emphasis on this particular beast.  Through what might be the most emotionless conversation committed to film he brings Danielle up to speed on exactly what it is that is killing people in her forest, why it is doing so, and what she must know to stop it.  Strangely, however, his advice basically is summed up by saying, “The creature likes to torture people, is basically pissed off and can’t be killed”.  Well, well, it is a good thing THIS guy came along.

Anyway, there is quite a bit of suspense as the film moves on, but only as to what the creature looks like…not in the story itself.  Cleverly, the demon is shown using only side or backlighting, and only in brief glimpses.  When we finally do get a chance to check out the monster, it almost doesn’t matter that it is very well designed and expertly played by Matt Jordan.  The legend is so vague and under-explained that we do not accept the creature at the time we see it…but nevertheless the effects design and creature makeup are surprisingly good.  Imagine Pumpkinhead crossed with an orc from the Lord Of The Rings trilogy with all the powers of The Creeper; I for one am just happy to see a guy in a suit!  SOOO sick of CGI…

There is very little gore or even blatant violence for that matter; instead we are introduced more to the creature’s acts through the discovery of them instead of the witnessing.  The overall body count is very low seeing as how the story is set in the middle of the woods, and perhaps this is why the creature likes to re-stage its victims for discovery after it has killed them…twice the screen time for every corpse!  The only other real “horror” is a mediocre chase scene and the level of the acting. 

If the film isn’t quite enough to suffice, there is also an included featurette in which all the main cast and crew make appearances...for better or worse.  We learn that the co-writer apparently knows little about the legend the movie is based on. We learn that because she was a Power Ranger, Cerina wanted to do her own stunts; stunts that consisted of her falling down...once...on dirt.  We also learn she got a splinter from this!  We learn that the totally useless companion animal that appears in the film is an African Grey Parrot and that they are “supposed to have” the highest IQ of any animal on the planet...but that THIS African Grey Parrot’s dialog was dubbed in by a human.  We also learn that all of this is WAY too important to Mr. Matheson. 

We learn that in the script the creature was to fear water, but not having foreseen the fact that it rains a lot in the Pacific Northwest, where the film was shot, it was decided that the creature just “wouldn’t like water”.  All in all the special features come off a little like the movie.  What you see onscreen gives itself away rather quickly as being of dubious quality.

It Waits isn’t the worst horror film I have ever seen.  It isn’t even the worst I have seen THIS WEEK.  But what it is is a bad film which runs the risk of appearing good at first glance.  The danger is obvious...when I go to rent or buy a crappy horror film, I want to KNOW it is crappy; and the opposite also applies.  If you are going to find something really good to add to your horror library or to rent for a night of great entertainment...well, when it comes to It Waits...you probably should.

-aaron-