When they aren’t busy making ridiculous and intellectually insulting original movies that aren’t necessarily based off an existing product, Sci-Fi manages to squeeze in some time to completely ruin franchises that you may be familiar with. House of the Dead 2 was just about as bad as the original, and then there was the instance of not one, but two different sequels from Return of the Living Dead which essentially killed any hope fans could have in the series making a spectacular comeback. Now they have a new target: Lake Placid.

Strange things are afoot once again at Lake Placid. The remains of one of the locals has been found, though not much, and now Sheriff Riley (John Schneider) aims to get to the bottom of what’s really going on out in the waters. Along with him is a biologist hoping to find the truth, as well as a few giant reptile eggs, and it’s also essential in this instance to have an old flame involves, and that’s exactly what Emily (Sarah Lafleur) provides. They are joined by a famed game hunter, Struthers (Sam McMurray) and his assistant Ahmed (Joe Holt) and if you can’t get people for the original film involved, why not just add in the sister of one of the main characters, and now it’s Sadie Bickerman (Cloris Leachman) who is caring for the man eaters. On top of everything else, add just the right amount of campers, some horrible one liners and a few shots at our current Presidential administration and you have yet another forgettable killer monster movie thanks to Sci-Fi Channel.

In a way, I feel a bit sorry for director David Flores because if you look at his credentials, he’s done nothing but direct films for Sci-Fi Channel, and that can’t really mean good things for anyone’s career. It really has become universally accepted that if you’re going to watch a television series on the network, you’re in store for some fairly decent programming, but when it comes to their movies, you know that it’s going to be something that is nothing more than a broadcast nightmare. The DVD release even tries to tempt with the fact that it’s unrated, and even though that means some bare breasts and a bit more gore, unrated in this case really isn’t going to help matters.

Recently, Sci-Fi has a really bad habit of trying to create vengeful nature movies, and it seems as thought it all connects to the release of Primeval and it hasn’t stopped since. Lake Placid, and this sequel, both involved giant crocs, as did Primeval, but the follow-up just becomes a complete mess. I know I can’t be the only one who just can’t Schneider seriously in any role and immediately identifies him with his role on Dukes of Hazard. He’s tried as best as he can to escape the stigma, but unfortunately too many of us remember and I half expected him to jump into the General Lee at any moment in an effort to outrun the killer croc.

You’ll see plenty of costume shop props lying about during the film and it’s laughable, especially with some third rate sound effects tossed in like the parts sloshing and making sticking sounds when they are held. There actually look much better than the croc itself which is nothing more than a painfully obvious computer animated misfit that sticks out horribly in any sequence that it’s used in. For a network that can make some rather impressive CG eye catches, I just can’t understand why it is that Sci-Fi can’t get their act together when it comes to their movies, and let’s not forget that a series like Battlestar Galactica showcases some impressive CG much of the time.

Lake Placid 2 really mimics the plot of the original quite a bit, not to mention part of Primeval, and fortunately the idea of an evil dictator killing innocent locals never gets added into this film, though I can only imagine how awful it would have been. The dialog is nearly as bad as the effects in the film and the characters and flat, one-dimensional nuisances that become an annoyance more than anything else. At the worst opportunities some horrific one-liners are tossed in, and every other aspect to the film is simply lifted and carbon copied from far too many other films creating something that’s as stale and miserable as a pizza that’s been left out on a hot summers day for a week or more.

I am a little surprised that there are bonus features with this release since a number of the Sci-Fi Channel films that are released to DVD never have anything extra. Sex, Guns and Croc & Roll is just a short, behind the scenes montage that really doesn’t give you much information about the production of the film. The Guide to Surviving a Croc Attack actually has tips for how to survive if you are in fact attacked by a crocodile, but here in Oregon, I don’t think I have too much to fear from them. I’m more concerned with how to avoid attacks by pan handlers downtown looking for change. Finally, there is the gnawed up version of the film that speeds through most of the movie and just stops at the key scenes in the movie. Actually I wish I would have watched it this way as it only become a movie that’s under ten minutes . . . . though that’s still too long.

I guess it has to be written somewhere . . . Lake Flaccid 2. Will Sci-Fi Channel ever heed the reviewers, critics, and those who watch their network and just stop this nonsense? I highly doubt it, and looking ahead, prepare yourself for more giant animals with not one, but two sequels for Anaconda on the schedule. I’m sure most can hardly wait, and I’m betting they will be just as bad.

And now, in honor of John Schneider’s presence in this terrible film, please allow me to end with . . . .

Just some bad ol' films
Always doin’ some harm,
Worst that you’ve ever saw, there outta be a law and they just shouldn’t air

-mike-