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In this troubled world of ours, there are conflicts that have raged for years, decades, even centuries. Isreal and Palestine wage violent battle that teeters on full scale war. The Chinese Emperor built a wall 4,000 miles long to keep out invading Huns. Most recently, tensions have begun to openly erupt into violence between the United States and certain Middle Eastern factions. But despite all of these, there is one far more serious battle that has played out on a daily basis in every corner of the civilized world and quite possibly in your own backyard...skiers vs. snowboarders. Things started off innocently enough...skateboards were just coming into their own and what better way to slide down a hill than sideways? But hills had always been slid down face-forward...could the two ever see eye-to-eye? Apparently not. "Two plank wanks!", rose the cry from goggled goons with "4:20" stickers on the front of their snowboards. "Out of control knuckledragers!", came the fevered reply from neon decorated Nordics. But now the war of words has taken an all too serious turn. A turn that leads to murder. That's right folks...a lunatic is on the loose; his edges are sharp and he is ready to carve. A group of teenage snowboarders (I know...just hang in there), are heading to an abandoned ski resort. Apparently, the father of one particular rich-bitch type is thinking of buying the place and has decided the best way to scout out his investment would be to have her and some friends "shred" the place for awhile and get a feel for the hill. But what they find is not your usual run of the mill abandoned ski resort. Not by a long shot. First, is the fact that this is one of those "yeah, its been abandoned for years, but everything still works if you flip this one switch and, oh yeah, we left everything you could ever need behind in case anyone comes by years from now and might want to buy the place" sort of abandoned lodges. Second, however, is the fact that this lodge comes with one other added surprise. A murdering skier! Gnarly! This skier, clothed in a pitch black ski outfit that a Nordic Ninja could be proud of, is bound and determined to put an end to the meddling kids once and for all. Linked to a tragic event triggered by snowboarders in the past, this psycho is out to make sure that these boarders follow each and every one of the "Skiers Responsibility Code". No...seriously...that is the motivation behind the murdering rampage. You see, these boarders just don't yield the right of way and ski within their abilities the way that they should. Now they must die. And die they do...one by one, in some mildly interesting ways, but for the most part, just like the teenage victims in every other slasher film you have ever witnessed. A few chops of an axe, a tightly stretched cable across the ski runs, a good, old-fashioned hanging, and a few other yawn inducing deaths are all overshadowed by the completely horrible acting and "Worst Of The Year Award" winning dialogue. The cast is ridiculous (a Disney voice-actor, an ex Power Ranger, a Saved By The Bell: New Class alum, and some daytime soap talent), the acting is bad even for them, and most of all the basic premise and script for the film are mind-numbing. Worst of all, is the fact that the rash of "extreme" sports films of the last several years have all at least featured the crappy actors being replaced by professionals during the scenes in which they perform their sport. The idea here is to make the viewer believe that the character you see is actually a good participant of his/her sport. Shredder does not let itself be hindered at all by this convention and instead chooses to cast people who cannot, in any way, actually snowboard, and then in the snowboarding scenes, replace them with actual snowboarders...who can barely snowboard themselves. If at all. All kidding aside, this is the sort of film that, seriously people, just does not need to be made. There is no justifiable reason to have taken the time and resources of making a film and squandered them on this sort of flick. But, will you care? Probably not. If you are still reading, you are either a skier or a snowboarder. If this is the case, you have already decided that you will have to see this movie, and the more I make it sound horrible, the more you will want to see it. I know this, because you are like me. I have been snowboarding for around 13 years (long enough to have been around when snowboarding was not accepted and was the overwhelming minority), and I simply had to watch this film. You will too. It is okay, I understand. As a matter of fact I am willing to bet that this movie will become a sort of tradition for me every winter; gather the boarder friends together and laugh our asses off at the ridiculousness of this movie the night before hitting the hill for the first time... If for some reason you have made it this far and are not a snow-slider? Turn back now, there is nothing here for you, and not even the inside humor of the horrific portrayal of both snow enthusiast's sports will prove interesting to you. -aaron-
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