You know what I really like about the Scary Movie films? Not a damn thing. I know there are people that think they are the most hilarious things ever made, but the fact is, I find the humor just a slight notch up from completely retarded. So, when you take two of the six writers from Scary Movie and let them do another movie, the result is Date Movie, and just like their other films, the results are about as funny as getting a wisdom tooth pulled. Errrr . . . . wait, the dentist had me pumped full to nitrous, that was funny.

Date Movie, just like Scary Movie (pick one, they are all the same anyway) tries to parody and poke fun at everything, though with results that are even worse. Julia Jones (Alyson Harrigan) starts out as an over-weight woman trying to find the man of her dreams, but things aren’t going well. She decides to visit a match maker who realizes very quickly that with the way she looks, it’s hopeless. So, he turns the beast into a beauty by pimping her out (involving a great deal of liposuction.) Finally, Julia, who is now hot, meets the man of her dreams, Grant Fockyerdoder (Adam Campbell) and the two of them have decided to get married.

Okay, so it’s really a basic idea, and the whole point of the movie is to try and ape just about every film and romantic comedy known to mankind, and with very limited success. This all starts out with a rather bland mimicry of Napoleon Dynamite and moves it just gets worse from there. I’ll admit that during at least one of the Scary Movie films, I laughed . . . a little, but with Date Movie, the laughs are non-existent.

The movie really prides itself on trying to connect together gags from movies like The Wedding Planner, Hitch, Meet the Parents, Meet the Fockers, and a number of other films, and granted, the way they are woven together isn’t really the bad part. You won’t get a tapestry of laughs though as much as one made of groans and annoyance. Meet the Parents and Meet the Fockers for example WERE NOT funny movies despite what a number of people think. They were simply flat, uninteresting attempts at humor, further solidifying the reason why I don’t like Ben Stiller (save for Dodgeball.)

But, when they aren’t too busy trying to throw in bad spoofs of romantic comedies, there is plenty of room for some pop culture. King Kong, Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith and even The Lord of the Rings are also thrown in, but the gags, much like everything else in the movie, is just done in such a poor fashion that it fails to be humors. Oh, there’s even time for a Kill Bill knock off, but guess what? Yeah, that’s right . . . not funny. See, some people can do parody and spoofs perfectly, a fantastic example of that can be found in a movie like Airplane, but Date Movie lacks just about everything you could want from a movie, even a bad one. In fact, Date Movie really is far from a bad movie simply because I’ve seen bad movies, many times over, and they are BETTER and more entertaining that this film is. I would rather watched collective marathon of the works of Uwe Boll, Glitter, Ghili, and let’s say Spice World than have watched Date Movie.

This is the unrated edition of Date Movie and you might be wondering, what is different? I honestly couldn’t tell you. I avoided the theatrical release about as much as I try and avoid going to my real job, so having it show up in my mailbox for review was about as welcome as those religious folks that show up from time to time and want to chat with me about Jesus. The DVD however does have three different commentary tracks, the first being from Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltez, the “brains’ of the operation. The second features Alyson Hannighan, Adam Campbell, Sophie Monk, Valery Ortiz and Tony Cox, but the best is the anti-commentary. Here you will find Scott Foundas, critic from LA Weekly, and Bob Strauss from the Los Angeles Daily News, talking about what doesn’t work with the film as well as a few bright spots (they found more than I did) and it is a bold movie to have critics who didn’t like the movie in the first place throw in their two cents worth.

The fun and excitement of the special features doesn’t end with commentary tracks however, and you may have wondered what the movie would sound like if people actually laughed at the bad parodies found in this film. Well, wonder no more because Date Movie gives you the option to add in a laugh track. Yeah, it’s downright hilarious. The cast shares their thoughts and memories on dating in one feature and you’ll also find The Quickie, a six minute version of Date Movie that tries its best to point you to the comedy in the film. There is a collection of casting tapes which aren’t too terribly funny and extended, deleted and alternate scenes.

Could it possibly end there? Unfortunately, no, it doesn’t. There are romantic screensavers, loops of the ocean and a fireplace for who knows what reason (sure, I guess it’s supposed to be a joke, but no one is laughing.) Andy’s Cherry Stem Surprise gives you trivia from the movie and rewards you with something special. No, it’s not a better movie, sorry. There’s a gag reel (which I thought the movie was the gag reel because I detested it so much) a Fox Channel Special and promotional material. While I’d say this is going to be more than enough, I think another option would have been making this a two disc version and added another film along with it. My online check on the movie has shown that Date Movie really wasn’t well received by critics or film-goers.

Date Movie lives up to its name; at least it does if you’re looking to watch something that will assure the person you’re going out with never speaks to you again, though I’d also be worried that there might be a hit put out on you as well. It must have taken a great deal of drinks to get the green light on this film and this is one instance where straight to video might have been a better option, though straight into the waste basket is a better choice, and Date Movie is quite literally a waste of everything.

-mike-