The Devil’s Bloody Playthings is an awful movie.  I am very disappointed that it took actually watching it to figure that out...a disappointment that I will attempt to save you from by creating this review.  I am also disappointed over the fact that I have to write said review because I would really, really like to have this particular chapter of my film reviewing saga over and done with.  But, to fly in the face of the old adage “If you don’t have anything nice to say...don’t say anything at all”, we are going to get this thing started.

First and foremost, this “film” was written and directed by a gentleman who goes by the name of William Hellfire.  That being said, I believe it safe to say that anyone who isn’t a performance artist, a rock star, a DJ, or a children’s clown shouldn’t be changing their name to something so cliché and stupid as Hellfire.  It screams gimmick...it screams poseur...it screams “nerd in high-school”...and it simply screams “I think I am far cooler than I could ever hope to be”.  Now, I will admit that I had a brief phase in which I wanted to change my middle name to Death-Ray, but the funny thing is: I was definitely a poseur AND looking for a gimmick...and you better believe I was a nerd in high school...plus I didn’t actually DO it.

I am tempted to call what he has done here with The Devil’s Bloody Playthings a “z-grade” movie, but this particular distinction would include films by the likes of Ed Wood and Roger Corman...both actual filmmakers.  I would be tempted to call this picture “exploitation”, but this would include such films as I Spit On Your Grave, Cannibal Holocaust and even Blacula!  There simply is no category to which I could assign The Devil’s Bloody Playthings without feeling guilty and apologetic to the other films in said group.  Not even trash cinema stoops low enough, so I am going to have to come up with a new genre of film, because in this day and age of home editing and cheap digital cameras, I have a feeling that this sort of film is going to keep popping up.

I choose, now and hereafter, to refer to these completely devoid of merit works as “mushrooms”.  Why “mushrooms” you might ask?  Simple.  Whenever someone offers me something to eat with mushrooms in it, I say, “No thanks, I don’t like mushrooms”.  At this point the response is invariably the same: “Aww, go ahead and try it...you can’t even TASTE them!”  This of course makes me want to scream, “Of course you can taste them! You wouldn’t use them as an ingredient unless they added something to the overall taste!”  Or perhaps I am being led to believe that mushrooms simply do not have a taste at all...that they are totally lacking in any and all flavor and point.  “Aha!”, I can hear you saying, ”this is why he is going to call these films ‘mushrooms’...because they are totally void of talent and flavor!  He is so clever!”  No, I choose to call these films mushrooms, because mushrooms are mold that grows on poo.

THAT about sums up films like The Devil’s Bloody Playthings; they are a fungus built on bad ideas and stemming forth from a decaying, cesspool of talent.  Apparently, this “film” is attempting to set forth a narrative, which I will do my best to translate for you.  Some crazy chick named Christine gets a roommate, Karen, who she sets about verbally abusing, filming in compromising ways and sexually torturing.  This continues in a plodding and tedious manner until eventually we see Karen subjected to all manner of depravity (even diddled by her real life husband...one Mr. Hellfire!  DOH, have willing-to-get-naked-wife, have director’s spot in film!).  The thing about these depravities is that Karen could simply walk away from them at any time.  We are supposed to be seeing her decent into madness or her psychological deterioration or some such crap, but all we really get is a freaking stupid chick being beaten on by an even more stupid and overbearing chick...who each get naked.

Which, is of course the difference between this “mushroom” and the films that this pile of dung keeps touting as inspiration (Polanski’s Repulsion being the most common)...that those films not only had a point, which any loser filmmaker can have, but that it was COMMUNICATED through the film!  The only thing communicated through this film is that both lead actresses have boobs, that they love to show them to you and that Mr. Hellfire writes WAY too much dialog about semen to convince me that he doesn’t have a protein deficiency. 

The “actresses”, who I don’t even care to name, are painful; one to watch and the other to listen to.  The wanna-be goth one actually attempts to act in her role, which involves primarily making strange faces and standing in many a pose.  The foreign, mail-order-Misty-Mundae one continues spewing forth lines of dialog that I am assuming are meant to be in English, but are unintelligible all the same.  Whatever country she is from, I hope that they use the PAL format of video as I would hate any more countries having reason to despise the United States.

There is some completely crappy gore...of course...nothing worth mentioning or seeing for yourself, and most of it a little laughable to be honest.  I did particularly enjoy seeing someone get stabbed in the heart and then run farther than I can run on a good day...WITHOUT being stabbed in the heart.  I suppose however that if I was in this film, I could run as far from it as possible regardless of injury as well.  Which, dear readers, is what I suggest you do as well.  There are plenty of very enjoyable films from the folks over at Shock-O-Rama; many of which come with my full recommendation.  Go find yourself one of these if you really need to disguise your love of porno as a fascination with exploitation flicks!

I suppose that this is about as much space as I can fill about this one without actually having to tell you much  about it; which I am hesitant to do lest I spark some hidden twinge of interest.  Let’s just leave this one as it is...totally pointless, talentless, meaningless and offensive to just about anyone with ocular orbs that translate light reflection into images.  The Devil’s Bloody Playthings is a “mushroom”.  I hate mushrooms.

-aaron-