Epic Movie proves quite a few things. First, if you put enough advertising and marketing behind something, people will go see it. Most people exist on autopilot and if they see a movie advertised on TV enough, they’ll go to the theater and watch though, however not before ignoring the “only in theaters” portion and heading to the local video store to try and rent it. The movie also proves that we, as a society are doomed and probably sooner than any of us realize if there are seriously people willing to watch this movie, enjoy it, and manage to make it profitable before it even stops.

For gods sake, everyone, I’m begging you, avoid this movie. Oh, it’s too late now though. Epic Movie more than doubled its budget despite the fact that virtually every critic on the face of the planet blasted the movie. It even ranks in as one of the worse movies on Rotten Tomatoes, and if you think that the evisceration of Epic Movie has completed, you’re dead wrong. Here’s at least one more review that is going to rake it across the coals and leave it a bloody heap. So, if you loved the film, you pretty much should stop reading right about . . . . now.

If you didn’t know already, Epic Movie tries to parody just about every big, blockbuster action and fantasy film that’s come out over the past few years. Let’s recap a very important word in that last sentence: tries. Oh, and another one, parody. Parody usually suggests that something is funny and I spent right around every single second of Epic Movie trying to find something funny. Needless to say, it didn’t happen. In fact, I turned the movie off half way through to take a shower (perhaps to wash the vile taint of Epic Movie from my pores) and listen to a bit of the Don and Mike Show because they are actually funny. I also found that when I planned on starting the movie back up again, reruns of To Catch a Predator happened to be on and those were much more interesting, and also, quite funny (hearing pedophiles make up lame excuses or strip down naked and bump into Chris Hansen is hilarious in my opinion.)

Oh, so you’re still reading this? Well, I guess you probably want to know exactly what Epic Movie is about for some reason. Four orphans, Lucy (Jayma Mays), Edward (Kal Penn), Susan (Faune A. Chambers) and Peter (Adam Campbell) have all found Golden Tickets that promise them an adventure of a lifetime. After showing up a Wonka Land and discovering the secret of his candy, they are locked away in a room and decide to play a game of hide and seek. Lucy finds a wardrobe that leads to the land of Gnarnia where the four have a prophecy to fulfill; defeat the White Bitch (Jennifer Coolidge) before she can use Weapons of Mass Destruction to create earthquakes and create her own world.

You may already be familiar with what Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer have tried to pass of as comedy, and it’s still beyond me how their films manage to make money. The original Scary Movie as well as Date Movie are among the mindless films that are on their resume, and you can add yet another with Epic Movie. To say that this is a bad movie would honestly be something insulting to bad movies across the world. Epic Movie actually redefines the premise of “bad movie” and creates something even more horrific.

The idea of course is to poke fun at virtually every Hollywood blockbuster, so the movie tries to take jabs at The Chronicles of Narnia, the Harry Potter films, Superman Returns, Pirates of the Caribbean, X-Men: The Last Stand, The DaVinci Code . . . . okay, maybe that one wasn’t a blockbuster, and pretty much anything else you can think of. However, nothing in the film is funny. There are comedies where there might be an moment or two where I chuckle at least a little, but not in this case. By the time Epic Movie ended, I actually found that I was more angry than anything else and at the present time, I really would like to know where I can send a bill to Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer in order to compensate me for having wasted precious time on this movie as well as Date Movie and a few others they have been the “masterminds” behind.

Filled with rap music parodies, toilet humor that doesn’t even border being funny (and toilet humor doesn’t bother me), bad and incredibly lame jokes, and a huge list of other infractions, Epic Movie isn’t a blockbuster farce but instead a disaster. Why do people honestly even bother with movies like this one? I really can’t answer that, and though I can throw sophistication out the window when necessary to enjoy a mindless comedy, this isn’t one of those. I kept waiting for the funny part . . . waiting . . . waiting . . . . still haven’t found it. So, let me get this straight, Captain Jack Sparrow is now Captain Jack Swallow? Yeah, that’s just hilarious, and it isn’t like it hasn’t been done already a million times. And apparently ripping off some jokes from Dave Chappell is completely fine as well, and while Chappell is funny, Epic Movie can’t even manage to make its borrowed comedy work in its favor. Even a few second of full frontal nudity featuring a blond with a rather nice pair of breasts doesn’t forgive any portion of the film. No amount of female nudity, girl on girl action, or anything else of the kind can make up for this movie.

My god, if the movie itself wasn’t bad enough, there are a ton of bonus features that are just as annoying found on the disc. I was curious to know if Jason and Aaron though their movie was hysterical, but listening to the commentary track finds a different story. Instead of actually talking about the movie, the two have decided to include commentary where they are talking about an imaginary film that has nothing to do with Epic Movie. Guys, do you think this is also funny? It’s not, and neither is the additional audio track that includes fart sounds from start to finish on the film. I don’t even think that grade school children would find this amusing. The special features continue to increase with thins like storyboards, an alternate ending which still isn’t funny the making of the priate video and a wealth of other nonsense that quite honestly isn’t even worth mentioning. I love special features, particularly when you get them in bulk, but just like full frontal nudity, no amount of bonus material can get me to change my mind about this film.

It’s not just time that I feel was robbed from me while watching Epic Movie, but I almost feel as though pieces of my brain might be missing because of viewing this. This is the type of DVD that you would give to someone that you truly hate. It’s the prefect gift for that spouse that you’re planning on divorcing. Aaron and I reserve this statement for a handful of film directors and writers that deserve it, and Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer both deserve to be kicked square in the balls repeatedly. Epic Movie really is more of a watch at your own risk type of film and passes the boundaries of bad movies, bad comedy, and becomes an atrocity onto itself. 

-mike-